another 'single at last' guy and his ti

[MEDIA PUSHER"]

Some of you might remember my post 'simplicity', well we held it together, my girl and I, for a while... things were actually good and getting better everyday. Last friday we got into a fight that i thought was a little misunderstanding, something that could just as easily be brushed off like nothing. Things escalated, suddenly the whole relationship was on the line. She says that i don't care about her as much as she does me, because she knows that she wants to be with me for the rest of her life. me 22 her 19. i explain that i love her more than anyone ever, and that i'm (we are) young, and that i want to grow and develop with her and the day i'm sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with her i'll put a ring on her finger and marry her. Just wasn't enough. She broke it off. I was too pissed to respond to her the following days. I think she wants to get back together, I never wanted to be apart from her, but now i'm not sure how this all can be justified. Taking a week to a month to think it over.
but for now... single at last, i guess.

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/3479/134485159l2wr.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[96cali]

you did the right thing. 22 and 19 = trouble especially if you have the inkling to grow which I totally recommend. My wife and I lived together, spent 3 years long distance dating building our careers and lived together again one year before tying the knot in our late 20's. Hard times but worth it. If you leave and come back and she's still the one- go for it.

[2ndBimmer]

I almost tied the knot at 20.

DONT DO IT!

If you love her (and shes been loyal and honest with you) then talk to her and so how things are. Dont try and force getting back together but at least try to reconcile what happened if shes willing.

Finish your respective schooling, then live together in the real world for a couple years. If youre still in love then, then its time to get a ring.



PM me with your AIM or Y! name, I might have something that could help.

[nick_hegel]

Enjoy a young single life while you can. I nearly got married at 19/20 and luckily am not. Everyone I know has recommended to me to enjoy my youth by myself and grow up. Each and every day/month/year that you wait, you grow and mature a little more. That way in the end whoever you are with is involved with a more well rounded person who is ready for the relation. Try not to dwell on it as hard as it seems. Your happiness does not depend on another person, only yourself!

[durnadupa]

Join the club man, join the club....
You're advice back in the other "single" threads was good, i liked it... Didn't work for me, but I am sure it worked for others...
If you guys were really attached, then it is gonna hurt real bad. I was a mess for all of July and am still not whole now. Hey, **** happens...

Thank god I have some really good friends who let me just talk and talk and let myself out. The hurting isn't gonna end, at least for me. My ex has been playing games with my head ever since I told her that if she is happier without me fine, then go....
Long and different story, maybe for another time.

O man, she had good taste in cars too?!

[barische]

being single and goin to college is awesome. party and hang out with the chicks, well all i do at college is flirt with chicks, lol.

[durnadupa]

Just checking up on the situation, how is it going? Talk to her any yet? I handled my breakup badly, really badly. Hope you handle yours better...

But what I don't get, if she says she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with you why would she break it off with you in a second? Was it just a fit of anger or rage, or was what she told you all bs? Women tend to make rash decisions about this sort of thing, and then try and fix them later on. I make stupid decisions but not something like that... No offense to any ladies on hte board or anything....

Well, I am headed upstate NY for Ukrainian Labor Day, where being single is what it is all about... But even then I wish I wasn't single like this.

[MEDIA PUSHER"]

I was livid following the breakup, i couldn't understand either why someone who wants to be with me wouldn't be willing to accept my love as it is and work towards something better. She explained that she knew what she wanted and that i wanted something different, and that there was just no point in dragging something out further that would eventually end anyway. I responded that i don't know what i want or whats going happen, but i put all i can into our relationship and have made many sacrifices, that i don't want to be with anyone else and if our relationship ended i'd be disenfranchised from the ideal of love in general and would stick to myself. I couldn't answer her calls immediately afterwards, her first attempt was a text message saying that she was PMSing. I had to do all i could to not throw another phone through my wall. When we did talk a few days later she tried to explain that she just wanted to forget the whole thing right after it happened. It was frustrating, we spent nearlly three hours basically just fighting, me venting my frustration on the situation, she not saying anything i needed to hear, and getting pissed at my attacks. I was being an ass but felt just in doing so. She needed immediate answers asking if she needed to take down all her pictures of me and box up my things. I told her to do whatever she felt she needed to as she already listed herself as single on her myspace page and told me she was now accepting friend requests from local boys. Also that we couldn't just say 'we're back together' and have everything be fine, we had our problems that i thought we could work out, but this step, breaking up, only broke what was already fragile. That answer wouldn't do. She needed something solid and again i wouldn't give it to her. I said i needed time, a week to a month at least. She wasnt' very acceptant but what else could be done, our only conversation since and all we did was fight, not something i felt i could return to without some resolution, some guarantee that things would be better, that the problem that started the fight wouldn't jeopardise everything again. After a day or two we started talking politely, still walking on eggshells though. Shes suddenly being very nice, almost suspiciously nice. Shes not very social but it makes me wonder if she's out with boys. I can only trust when she says she's not. I've stuck to myself, ventured out a little, just to be out in the world, not talking to girls or dating. Just talking to friends, seeking advice. We both admit to missing eachother alot. Sometimes i'm hopefull, other times not. One night i saw that she was online and sent an IM, no respose, though it showed that she was back on her computer around midnight, she says that she crashed out, but i doubt its true. The whole situation makes me sick. I've just focussed on myself, bettering myself, doing the things that make me happy and are constructive towards my future. Shes away at a soccer tournament this weekend, we've been pleasant talking sparingly. I suggested that we go out on dates, simple, maybe dinner, just to talk and see if we enjoy each others company. No going home with each other and giving in to desires, just see if that if we did it all again would we feel the same. I feel i just need to wait, i think that if i hold off for a while there will be one of two outcomes, she will either see that she might have taken me for granted and try her hardest to get me back, or will get pissed and set another altimatum that she needs an immediate answer which will break my heart as i'll have to decline. Its really hard, I don't give myself or rather my heart out often. Before her i didnt' find anyone i liked enough to want as a girlfriend for three years. I'd date a little, half heartedly, and when the time came that a girl wanted more i'd have to break it off. I wouldn't settle. But then again thats her argument to me, that she knows she wants me and won't settle for someone who doesn't feel the same. I just take things much slower, i dont' need to know the answers right now, i in fact dont' believe that there ever really are any deffinite answers in life, just reflections from moment to moment. Girls who've wanted more from me tell me that she really doesn't understand how hard it is to get my love, and if she did she'd treat me differently. I'm not sure what to think anymore, its hard, i never wanted to be without her but that doesn't necessarily mean we should be back together. This is all one sided though, theres alot more to it, what started the fight, our histories, both together and separate. I appreciate everyones input. As far as the internet goes, this is still the best group of people i've found.

[myblueTI]

Ok by the time i turned 17 i figured out that girls are good for 2 things, the first is obvious and im not going to say it and the second thing is money. All of my girl friends have drained the money out of my pockets. I might just be a sucker but but it seemed like my money was our money and her money was her money. Does anybody else feel this way?

[ZeroG]

Just made the girl move out last weekend. All I can say is that it is a little lonley, but I'll manage. Plus, "Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one!"

My buddy says that the G/F is nothing more then something to occupy your time until something better comes along. My theory is:

"If better is obtainable then good is not enough!"

-George Graziadio

Good luck!!!

-Chad

[aceyx]

it took me a few days to find time to read that, but i found this bit the most poignant:

I wouldn't settle.
and never do, my friend.

first, you should expect low times to occur now and again. you'll get through it, no doubt, and the skies will clear and birds will sing. so just hold out for that.

in the meantime, i think you've got the right strategy; keep yourself busy, make yourself better; it doesn't help to think too much about a situation you're only half in control of. i mean, do you think this much when you're driving? it's only half the ordeal, the rest is just action/reaction. i admit it's pretty hard to find this balance (what with hormones and all) but once you do, you're bulletproof.

with regard to you and her . . . it reads as though she's found comfort in you, and that's what makes her want more. take that as a compliment, and realize how much it means to her to have something stable, something trustworthy, something you can really rely on and how distressing it is to forsee that someday it might be gone. this is a car forum so i'll throw in a little metaphor here; imagine you're putting all this time and effort in your car, and you're reasonably certain that the motor won't grenade on you since, let's say, it happens to a lot of people, several times in their life. but it could, and you have no guarantees against that. the worry would drive you insane; do you want to keep it? should you move on? is that rough idle just an omen of bad things to come? if you could say four words that would prevent it from exploding, would you?

it really helps to put yourself in her shoes. three years is a damn long time for anybody. it's difficult to really give you advice without really knowing either of you, but maybe this will work:

go back to when you first started dating. what type of things you did, the timidity with which you approached things (for some reason girls find this endearing). try and remember specifics, because it will pay off fourfold. be that person again. be sweet, be convincing, and you'll both notice how much you've come from that point.

best of luck to you both.

[durnadupa]

Doing things to make yourself better is definitly the way to go, I know when I was dumped (I had no say in the matter) I didn't know what to do... Still don't and this is nearly two months later. But I decided to join the gym near my house and since then I have been there nearly every day of the week for at least an hour, and hey it does help. It is a way to make yourself better, relieve stress, and in general get healthier. I had also always wanted to take bartending classes for kicks and as a possible job oppurtunity, so what do I do? Drive to the nearest one sign up, and I am well on my way to being licensed.
Do things like that, they help take time away where you can be thinking. Because personally I know that I am okay, unless I give myself time to think, then it is all downhill from there.... I was left with alot of unanswered questions like "WHY?!" I tried to figure it out, and by doing that I hurt myself more and upset her more. In the I end I threw in the white towel, and decided maybe one day I will know why, maybe one day things will be the same...

We are on friendly terms now, talk nearly everyday, but that wasn't until I blew up on her one day because of a few events I witnessed, and then she blew up at me. I hit high patches and hit more low patches than high.... But it gets better, I guess... It doesn't get any easier though...

[roadrash]

and never do, my friend.
Quite a bit of good advice in there, aceyx!! I've got one thought concerning "settling" though.

I think it's OK to settle if it's strategic. I.e., if you know you love someone and want more, but they say they only want to be friends, settle for being friends if you can. But, you MUST be committed to being a great friend, and not press for more than that. If you're lucky, they'll eventually realize that you're damn lovable. Or, you'll realize that you don't love them as much as you thought.

But, being "just friends" with someone you've loved is a very hard thing to do, especially if your ex is dating other guys and wants to talk to you about relationship problems because you're a guy and you're her friend.

I dunno... to be honest, this "settling" thing is something I'm still struggling with, so I may be way off base. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. :-)

[aceyx]

good point; i feel i need to rephrase a bit.


what you should really shoot for is a balance between never settling and making do.

going with car metaphors again (because i think we all understand them) it's great to always want to make your car awesome. or rad, if you were born in the 80s. but, time, money, other interests are going to interfere with that. plus, your character revolves entirely around the thing and you're never quite happy with it because you could squeeze a few horses here, or make it louder here, or add some bling there.

if you just make do, well, you'd be driving an '84 civic with blistered red paint and a primer-gray door. although you're not displeased about driving a hoopdi, you're not exactly happy in this situation either.

did i lose anybody? i'll recap; both extremes make you unhappy. what you're trying to do, is be happy. your happiness will lie somewhere between the two extremes, likely near the end of never settling (you did, after all, buy a bmw).


i guess i also say never settle because of my age, and the fact that nobody really needs cheering on if they're nuts about something. it's only when they're kinda losing it that they need the rah-rah sis-boom-bah.

[durnadupa]

How is it going so far? I found it was best to just vent about the breakup to people, and see what they were telling me...
My favorite cousin, who actually gave me the ti, was telling me the other cuz she noticed I was still upset f'in two months later that "I am sure you loved her, and that she was nice. But she wasn't that attractive, well at least compared to you" It made me laugh and stuff, but I still miss her so much. And at that point I didn't care how she looked, she was an amazing girl and to me very attractive and beautiful. And one thing I learned through all this mess is you can never turn a loving relationship to "friends" Someone is gonna be hurt in it, and that person ended up being me!
I don't make an effort to talk to her anymore, cuz if I do I get ignored. But once I stop making the effort, who goes on to make the effort, there you go it's her! People tell me she still has feelings for me, and needs me there. But then why go after another guy, who I think she is still involved with though shes away at school? But I can't forgive it, I want to forget it but she's in my head. Everyone time I talk to her, I get a high like "ohh, she still cares about me. maybe she still needs me..." a false sense of hope basically. Then withing a half hour later what happens? I crash and burn, just like acoke or heroin addict because I realize "she" isn't mine anymore.
I must admit though, I handled the break up badly... Drank alot. Kept "begging" to get back with her. Not really begging, but like showing her that I still have feelings and that the breakup wasn't necesary cuz she obvioulsy still does too. She said I was giving guilt trips, I disagree. I CAN give one, but it isn't my game. After that party when she showed up with other "guy" the next day I flipped. I was with friends drinking, she texted me saying they were involved for a while. Let's just say I f'in went nuts. And don't remember much else... Next day she was yelling at me and ****, then towards the end of it said she still loves me blah blah... from then on it has been like "i am gonna miss you in college," "you better send me stuff" "call me on my birthday" "wen do i get to talk to u, my school is too nerdy" "you are my favorite" :mad:
IT is all f'n games that make me go nuts, but I guess I am still in love. Please whatever you do, don't let this happen to you!

[nick_hegel]

She sounds like an annoying immature chick who is playing with you.

[aceyx]

if your car only started a few days a month, but would start for somebody else, would you keep it?

[evalha007]

Don't worry if she is moving on or dating someone else...worry about who YOU are going to date next.

Time to move on. She has. Don't let the games fool you. Once you break up, you can never go back...I have seen many friends of mine do the break up/get back together thing and string relationships along for literally years after they were really over. Clean break = get out + move on. Sounds harsh and black and white...but I have seen it before...

Besides...19 is WAY too young to even consider getting married, and 22 probably is too...I got married when I was 24 and looking back, that was probably too young. BTW...I have been happily married for the last 5 years.

Hit the clubs/parties, live a little. There are plenty of girls out there.

[durnadupa]

She sounds like an annoying immature chick who is playing with you.


I know full well they are games, but the question i ask myself is why? I mean like what is the point. There obviously is no need for these games with my head and heart, but they still happen. Maybe she doesn't even know that she is doing it to me. Maybe it is just me looking into things too deeply. And the main thing that I still dont get, and I don't think I ever will is the whole situation in the first place. No fighting brought it on, everything was great.

But things happen, and I realize this now. I should've realized it alot sooner rahter then make myself insane over it. I am pretty sure I could've been admitted to a psych ward for sometime. Maybe even now, I still lose sleep and make myself sick over it. But less now then before.

It shouldn't be this hard to have a person leave your life, I should be able to shrug it off. But can I? Nope...

[MEDIA PUSHER"]

well, after two weeks apart we made a date to get together face to face. we set it for sunday but when fridaynight rolled around we found ourselves talking online and said f-it, lets meet up. With niether in the mood for drama we sat and watched a movie (L4YER CAK3). It was akward... her phone was ringing off the hook. about half way through we started talking. we both agreed that we were enjoying our time single. the break had given us time to be ourselves, feel adequite, stand on our own two feet. It did however rekindle some feelings, we were both being very honest, i explained that i wasn't looking to date around right now, that myself and my goals were my focus, that i'd like to take things slow because i wasn't sure what was happening and hadn't come prepared with anything, no altimatums, no expectations, and that all i really wanted was her happiness, regardless of if that included me and to what level, my only stipulation was that i couldn't be around if she was dating other guys. just dont' have the heart to wear that smile and be okay with attention in between. She understood and agreed...
we spent the night and the following together.
single yet maintaining fidelity,
its a strange limbo
a personal quote of hers regards everything as being black and white, that there is no grey
but here we are, swimming in it
that always brings me a smile
thats about all the news for now. I'm sure it won't stay like this for long but i'm not sure which way it'll go.
I love everyones input... wish some of the women would chime in.
...more to come...

[durnadupa]

Good to see it has turned to a "friendly" state... and I agree with your stipulation of not being around if she starts to see other guys. That was exactly what I said, didn't want to hear about them, didnt want to see them. You may not think I am for you anymore, but do not bring up who you think is... I can't handle that and apparently you cant either. Nothing wrong with that either...
Take is slow, see what happens... I hope that it turns out well for you two... and from personal experience the turning to just friends is exceptionally hard thing to do.

Good luck...

[MEDIA PUSHER"]

an update on the latest,
Yeah, the friends thing is tough. Tried spending some time with the ex on saturday. Helped pass out some fliers around town for a production company shes now promoting for. Basically just going to clubs, passing out fliers, putting up posters, networking, meeting djs producers mcs, and being an all around scenester. Had a decent time, talked a little about our options, that being friends would be okay for the time being but that it was a thin line and would have to tip one way or the other soon. Fair enough. I'd still had some hope i was clinging to, still had her pictures on my wall and such. we go into a surfshop and a cute girl compliments me on my dreads. silence. we get back into the car. I ask whats wrong, to which she replies, 'this isn't going to work' had a short talk. basically just saying goodbye, that we couldn't get past our differences and get back together, we couldn't be friends, so thats about it.
not to say that this is over, rarely is anything truly over, but i'm just not hoping anymore.

[nick_hegel]

an update on the latest,
Yeah, the friends thing is tough. Tried spending some time with the ex on saturday. Helped pass out some fliers around town for a production company shes now promoting for. Basically just going to clubs, passing out fliers, putting up posters, networking, meeting djs producers mcs, and being an all around scenester. Had a decent time, talked a little about our options, that being friends would be okay for the time being but that it was a thin line and would have to tip one way or the other soon. Fair enough. I'd still had some hope i was clinging to, still had her pictures on my wall and such. we go into a surfshop and a cute girl compliments me on my dreads. silence. we get back into the car. I ask whats wrong, to which she replies, 'this isn't going to work' had a short talk. basically just saying goodbye, that we couldn't get past our differences and get back together, we couldn't be friends, so thats about it.
not to say that this is over, rarely is anything truly over, but i'm just not hoping anymore.
That is a big step right there. I hoped for a long time after my breakup. Once you stop hoping you find it easier to move on. Now go back to said surf shop and get phone number of the cute girl!!!!

[durnadupa]

Hope, it sucks. Hope also happens to be my dogs name, I love that dog to death. Back on topic, hoping for things to work out will play games with your head. It will, it has played with mine for nearly two months now.
I had to sit down with myself and say, What the hell are you doing to yourself? I realize I handled it incredibly bad, and then I decided that enough is enough. You seemed to have decided the same thing...
You saw that being "just friends" is impossible, because someone will end up getting hurt. That is why I never understood the let us just be friends again, it makes no sense. All it does is create anguish for either one or both people...

That is all I have to say, I have to rant about my situation but I would rather not here...

Erik

[aceyx]

it's entirely possible to stay friends, but it's a timing issue.

looking back it's real easy to see why pining over girls was ultimately fruitless; we just weren't meant for each other. what she wanted =/= what i wanted. and it turned out better IMO, because i was able to find out who i really am and what i want out of life.

right now it's very enjoyable to meet up with people i went to high school or college with, and see where they are. it's interesting because i don't get to meet as many people these days and it's nice to realize that some people think the same way as i do or have matured toward the same end. i also realize that my real friends, even though they've changed, it's still like the next day even if we haven't seen each other in months, years, whatever.


i'm gonna disagree with nick, because i think mpusher should take a little time to let her heal. i'm pretty sure he doesn't want to hurt her, nor that he's really ready to "move on" himself. eventually she'll have to learn how to deal, but you've got to do that at the right stage (1st, sadness; 2nd, anger; 3rd, resentment; 4th, dealing with it). if the entire thing takes more than a year, or 8 months for that matter, you've just gotta run with it. can't protect people from the truth forever. . .


take this time for yourself. you're young, and you should be figuring out how to make yourself happy instead of trying to make someone else happy. in the long run, you'll be much better off.

it's kind of like the difference between being an alcoholic (needing something) and just being able to have a few beers when the situation calls for it (really getting to enjoy it).